Katface Creativity

I am so sorry.

I just realised how much I have neglected one of my best friends.

Her mum died about three weeks ago. My selfish scared cluelessness about death has prevented me from calling her. I just had no idea what to say or do. and I didn’t want to hear my happy-go-lucky friend sad. But she is so despondant, and so obviously heartbroken. For her sake I was stopping myself from crying just hearing her. I have no idea what to do, and no-one to ask right now.

I lost both my grandmas at 8 years old, and although I cried, I only now realise how lucky I am to have not lost anyone else, now that i’m old enough to really understand fully what death is. 

My mind boggles at even the idea of losing someone I am so close to, so dependant on. I am terrified at what will happen to my friend. No stable family able to, or willng to take in a 23 year old who is still so reliant on her mother. No income because she was still at uni, no home because it was rented by her mum.

How do I help her?

A bored iPod questionnaire

How Many Songs in Total?
10658

Sort by Title - What’s the first and last song?
A’rebours - Babyshambles
99 Red Balloons - Goldfinger

Sort by Artist - Whose the first and last artist?
Aaliyah
5.6.7.8’s

Sort by Time - What’s the first and last song?
It’s Been Emotional - Big Chris (4sec)
Pause It and Turn it Up - Biffy Clyro (25min 31sec)

Sort by Album - What’s the first and last album?
Aaliyah - Aaliyah
9 - Damien Rice

Top 5 Played Songs
When Doves Cry - Quindon Tarver
I Want to Hold Your Hand - T.V.Carpio
Hold Me Tight - Evan Rachel Wood
Girl - Jim Sturgess
Booty Call - The Midnight Beast

Find “Sex” - How many songs?
26

Find “Death” - How many songs?
18

Find “Love” - How many songs?
307

Try and put as many letters as you can into the search, with spaces in between each letter, if one letter takes all the selections out, skip it, and continue, until you’ve got as many as possible.

Which songs are left?
Enigma Variations for orchestra, Op.36: Nimrod: Lux aeterna, arranged by John Cameron

What Letters Were Used?
a b c d e f g h i j l m n o p r s t u v x y

I’m adding the following for completion

Sort by Year - What’s the first and last song?
Please Please Me - The Beatles (1963) although I have a lot of classical that doesnt have the date on
Grandma’s got a Facebook - You Favorite Martian(2011)

Sort by Date Added - What’s the first and last song?
A Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds to Mars
Angels - Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip

My Worst Habit

You know that friend who you don’t speak to anymore? The one you can’t really remember what happened to, there was no argument and you’re sure you still have things in common with them. But for some reason you just, sort of, lost contact with them.

That’s me.

I have had many many friends. All of which I considered my closet personal friend at the time I am their friend. But I have lost contact with almost all of them. Of course there is Facebook, and I could easily get back in touch them. But there has been too much time past and I worry that if we did reunite, we would be so different now that the old, happy memories would be ruined.

I listen to certain songs that I have forgotten about when I put my iPod on shuffle. The Kooks, Paolo Nutini, Dirty Pretty Things, Arctic Monkeys. All remind me of my 2 years of A-levels, and what I believe was a fantastic friendship with Anna, and subsiquently her friend Fran.Yet we no longer speak. Of course moving to uni may have something to do with this, But it happened just before we finished A-level. I felt, for some reason, that I did not fit in. So I seperated myself from a group of people I (mostly) liked a month or so before we left. I heard from one of the group that Anna was confused at why I wasn’t hanging around with them. But by then I was too far gone and I knew I couldn’t go back. I haven’t spoken to them in 4 years, yet those songs still take me back to the smokng area, or the clubs, or meeting the anorexic girl with a cocaine habit. All part of growing up and a hard look at myself made me want to be more picky with friends.

But then in my foundation year, it happened again. Although I do still occaisionly text Abie, we do not hang out, I dont see her. Yet in foundation year, we had a really good laugh and some hilarious nights out.

And there is uni itself. Only just finished, you would think I’d speak to the people I made friends with. But only two really remain. Joe, my boyfriend, and Lauren, who we live with. My first year consisted of a sham of a friendship introducing me to my main group of friends. I should have broken away quicker and learnt to talk to the people on my course more, rather than sticking to the familiars and not letting go. Dan, I still see, on nights out, and we still get along. Though once these nights out go, i imagine he’ll drop of my radar. As Fran (another Fran) has almost done. We speak occaisonally, but briefly. My first year was spent mainly with her, and yet I hardly see her at all now. The people I lived with in second and third year, Jack, Connie, Graham, I haven’t really spoken to since I moved out 6 months ago. Only seeing jack at the same nights out I see Dan at.

My main worry is Lucy, Tania and Sarah. Sarah and Lucy not speaking to each other makes it more difficult to see them all. Me living in Cambridge and not really being able to aford going to visit them also doesn’t help. But Tania and Lucy I have known since I was 11 and I think we’re losing touch. with Tania we still get along well when we see each other, but never talk otherwise. Lucy has a whole new group of people who are a different class from me. I don’t want to lose them but we are growing apart. Sarah I still talk to, but again rarely, I can’t imagine not having them to talk to, especially if I had some sort of crisis. But my previous history seems to say that it will happen.

All changed me a little, making me who I am now. And every single one I have had amazing times with and grown up around. They have unknowingly shaped me and my views on the world. Taught me how much and who to trust, and broadened my horizons. So thank you, my lost friends and fond memories. Because despite the saddness of no longer knowing you, I am happy, with people around me I care about and who I know so well and who I trust whole heartedly.

Religious beliefs

I’ve been reading a comedy book called ‘The Second Coming’, by John Niven. It’s about how Jesus is sent back to earth to help spread the one true commandment “be nice”. In the book, God loves everyone who just wants to make people happy, and be nice, and He loves gay men and every race and sex, he even has a chat with Muhammed in one part, and he is most certainly NOT a Christian. 

The reason I’m mentioning this is because my own view on religion is a little bare, and it got me thinking. My mother is Jewish, but not a practising Jew, and I have only gone to synagogue a handful of times for my Grand-dad. My father is Christian, but again with him, he is not religious, and I only ever used to go to church with the Brownies, as it was mandatory. But I have never believed in ‘one true religion’, and the older I got the less I wanted to, or could believe in a vengeful, angry God that wanted us to ignore our animal instincts and play to the hypocritical hierarchy of most of the churches, synagogues, mosques etc.

Tim Minchin’s beat poem ‘Storm’ helps me to cast religion aside a little more easily each time I listen to it, despite it not really being about religion. Maybe this is bad, maybe good. Either way it doesn’t change the way I act towards anyone. The line that makes me do this is, “Science adjusts its views based on what’s observed. Faith is the denial of observation so that belief can be preserved. If you show me that, say, homeopathy works, then, I will change my mind.” and “Isn’t this enough? this world? Just this? Beautiful, complex, wonderfully unfathomable natural world? How does it so fail to hold our attention that we have to diminish it with the invention of cheap man-made myths and monsters.”

Books have influenced my view on religion hugely. The main one, before ‘The Second Coming’, was ‘The Colour Purple’. It hasn’t affected me in the way that I didn’t believe and now it fits my lifestyle and therefore I can believe without fear. But I cannot understand the blind following of an angry God. Since ‘The Colour Purple’ I have believed that IF there was a God, then as it says “I think it pisses God off when you walk by the colour purple in a field and don’t notice it”. That God would, IF he was real, want us to be happy, and make other people happy, and enjoy the beauty around us. Not destroy the world and pass an avenue of golden trees in autumn and not notice them, or appreciate laughter or simply smiling at strangers as they walk by.

I know this all sounds a little cliché and fairly twee, but why believe in a God that will punish all those who are different? That is what ultimately put me off religion in the first place. 

However, through my believes, or lack thereof, I do not despise religion, or religious people. I do not believe that those who dedicate themselves to religion are throwing there lives away, or that those who follow a religious text are naive or wasting their time. Religion is a powerful thing, and faith in something, a God if it need be, can be the most healing thing for those who have lost close friends or family or who are going through hard times, believing that one day they will be happy and that that happiness will be forever can help to bring people through unbelievable hardships and so, for this, religion is a wonderful thing. 

Also, although my minute knowledge of a lot of religion is pitiful and probably not strong enough to win any sort of argument. My knowledge of the facts of religions such as Mormons is limited, to say the least, but what I do know is bias, and mainly from south park. When I have been told about it, it has been in a mocking way, and presented as ‘how silly is this?’ But despite what they may or may not believe, The family of Youtube called ‘The Shaytards’ are Mormons, and possibly one of the nicest, happiest, kind families I’ve ever seen, and if I’m correct, this is partly due to the religious aspect of their lives.

So how could we bat aside religion, laugh at it and mock it, when it can be such an amazing thing? And to those who are saying ‘but religion creates war and fear, terrorists and extremists, how can religion be good after that?’ I will say because people will always find something to hate, kill, destroy for being different. Religion is a handy carriage that people jump on, so they can create fear in others to follow them, yes, but if religion was not around, people would find something to blame for the bad things that happen and destroy that instead.

Insomnia today/night

It is now 06:27 AM.

I have French braided my hair, updated my information on Facebook. A task I feel only really should be done when incredibly stuck for what to do. And I watched two films, ‘Tangled’ and ‘Mary and Max’. Both very good. Disney have really made something good with ‘Tangled’ funny and a nice story. ‘Mary and Max’ I expected to be good, as I know it has had very highly praised reviews, and I think did well at the sundance festival. Other than the slightly slow beginning, it was fantastic. I never expected to have tears streaming down my face at the end of it. Amazing film.

I have a headache as I haven’t slept or drunk enough today. I should sleep. Still not tired, but going to try again. 

TTFN

KLB

The occasional sheepy pile-up

Once again I am sat in a darkened room, awake while the rest of my house sleeps.

01:34 AM.

It’s not that late yet really. However my brain is refusing to turn off. I gave up counting sheep at a young age, the sheep were too disobedient, the would not jump over a fence. Often choosing to go around the fence, turning and walking the other way and then there was the occasional sheepy pile-up. Counting numbers worked at first, and then my brain slowly figured out that distraction was its best method here. Losing where I was the most common issue. Then I started the try to just see black when my eyes were closed. But this led to all manner of problems with my over active imagination, the colour straying to white, grey, red, but rarely black. I tried a meditation type technique (not sure if that is what it actually is but hey ho…) that a supply teacher in primary taught us, (probably just to shut us up,) to think of a word, concentrate on it, see it, hear it, anything just as long as the word was the main thing. This helped, it distracted me in a good way. away from the worries each day presented. Did I do something wrong at work? Did I upset so and so? Should I have said that? Did that come across mean? Did I wash my socks? etc, etc, etc

Eventually after a large amount of other methods, including camomile tea, having baths before bed etc, I found that the best things was to talk to friends. Have them reassure me that I hadn’t done this or that wrong. I know it sounds selfish, but hey sometimes we need reassurance right? 

But tonight I didn’t think of the bad things I may or may not have done until in bed with a very tired boyfriend. and so the demons resurfaced and I am here, writing on the internet and listening to Regina Spektor, and others considered to be in a genre called pop anti-folk. But I call it girly soft rock :)

ta ta for now

KLB

First bloggy post?

This is I think the third time I have tried to post a first post on here and it is failing to work… this may be quite a learning curve for me.

I want to use this as a sort of diary, a place I can store my thoughts. So the wittering in my brain is muted for a little while. I’m hoping this will be a store for my over active brain. Although possibly I will get bored and find something new in a month or so.

I’m also hoping that I can use this to clear my bookmark page. So I can put things on here that I find interesting and not clog up my computer so much. It’d be nice to have a space that is full of inspirational images, websites, quotes, etc.